Ten on tuesday

1. We are watching elf not for the first time this christmas. It is hilarious!

2. I enjoy your input/comments on my blog! Glad you all have had similar dream experiences. Dad has been in one of my dreams also. We were all at the farm chatting around the kitchen table, and he just came home in his overalls from a day of work. Just seemed like he was telling us he was okay.

3. I still dream in our old farmhouse. Never had a dream in the Piedmont house. How weird is that.

4. We had a calzone for dinner tonight which madie thoroughly enjoyed. She said this pizza guy brought really good pizza. She also asks whose bringing dinner tonight instead of what are you cooking.

5. Merry christmas! Sonic and paco were supposed to be down here, but they added up top.

6. We don't have many fun ornaments, bulbs mainly. So I took to a habit my mom has of putting the christmas cards in between the branches on the trees to add umph. I like it.

7. I too love christmas cards!

8. I am fond of Zooey Deschanel's voice and have been meaning to pick up her christmas album. I do have Jami Smith's album, and I like her year round.

9. We get monday off work. Woot woot!

10. Cute kid story: my sister jaclyn's middle kid lauren is 3. She has taken to "reading" lately, looking at picutres and making stuff up, which is the best kind of reading for a 3 year old. She had a book with a cat who was strangely not dressed in the beginning but put on clothes for his first day of school. Lauren read, hmm...where are my clothes. turn page. oh look i found my clothes! She's very observant little 3 year old. I mean really, be consistent illustrator. clothes or no clothes. Humans don't decide they're optional, cats don't either. am i right?

Mondays...not my favorite

Had Gramma for a visit today. Her latest eeg showed an abnormality indicative of seizures. She had been on keppra but quit taking it herself. They are starting her on lyrica. She just wants to drive. The dr's office told her the law says 6 months seizure free is the requirement before she can drive. Really, she is going nuts, but she does not need to be driving!

Finished a creepy book last night called the night strangers and starting one today called the strangers on montagu street. Lots of strangers.

My friend Justin that passed away was in my dreams last night. He has come to me in my dreams before. The first time, I knew something was wrong. He was afraid, and I was afraid, and I woke up with this horrible feeling. Before when people have come to me in my dreams, it seemed like they were telling me they were okay, and this felt like he was telling me he was not. I talked to my friend Christopher at work whose mom is very into dream meanings, and she thought it meant he was having a hard time transitioning. So, I prayed for him. A lot. Then a while later, he was in another dream. Out of place. He opened a door where there shouldn't have been a door and waved at me, which seemed like he was okay. Last night, I was having this dream where I was working in a chaotic daycare trying to keep children under control (sounds like a nightmare, right) and he just appeared in this chair and smiled at me. I hope that means he's okay. We were good buds in high school but had only kept in touch through face book since then. It almost surprises me he's been in my dreams, but I'm glad he has. You may think I'm a fruit loop, but it's not the first time someone who has passed on has been in my dreams. Maybe I am a fruit loop, who knows! Weirdly enough, these people never speak.

I'm exhausted, but I feel the need to blog so you know I'm alive.

It is really hard for me to capitalize. Autocorrect has ruined my life. It also makes me say stupid things in texts.

It has been a long week, and I love weekends.

Mom watched Madie today. She got to take a pretend ride on dad's new tractor in the garage. I don't know how he backed it into the garage without hitting anything. I tend to hit things when I back up. He is pretty pumped about this new toy. It has been a long time in the making, because he doesn't like to spend money.

We did get the christmas tree up this week. It's about time!

Congrats Abbey on the new life you're growing.

We are so going to bed early.

Got the new pics up on facebook and christmas cards out!
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.614272906789.2079647.177801361&type=1&l=08be364514

more later
jessica out

kash eugene

At some point in high school, I got my own Jingle Boy. I was with the fro, and I think we got him at hallmark. I also think Emily was there and got one as well. Madie discovered him at my mothers house in the toys, and brought him home. He is now her favorite. She decided to name him Kash Eugene. Eugene is Brandon's middle name. Kash, she just liked. She doesn't know how to spell yet, but we all know i have an affinity for K's. He's our new lil buddy! Hooray!

oh sunday

i went to the parade of homes today with my friend liz in mesta park. the first house was my favorite. it was a 3 story built in 1908 that was old timey and cozy.

i then went to target, had a cartful, and to my dismay not my debit card. crap. i then left my prescriptions which were paid for behind, like a real dullard. i called and am picking them back up tomorrow. hells bells

i am really getting frustrated with work and am thinking hard about a new position. still in the thinking phase at this point. there was a christmas party saturday night which consisted of a lot of people drinking heavily and me leaving before all hell broke loose.

madie had her picture with santa at the piedmont bank saturday



i was doing all the laundry today which seemed like three times the normal amount that piles up in a a week, and i ran out of soap. blast! i'm too embarrassed to go back to target at this point. well, it will still be dirty tomorrow.

OH! i got bit by quite a large german sheperd-wolf mix (per the owner) by one of my patients dogs this week. i have a black eye, can you believe it! luckily, it didn't break the skin, so all is well.

when and how did chuck norris become cool and invincible? i remember my dad watching walker, texas ranger and thinking he was terribly cheesy.

i did get the house clean today.

we do not have any christmas decorations up. can you believe it? we have a tree and a nativity scene, so it's not a huge task. i'm declaring it done next week, although i want to add some eclectic items to my nativity scene, so i'm going to hit a thrift store, taking after mom blakley.

well, i'm going to rummage up something to eat. jessica out.

Ten on Tuesday...actually on Tuesday!

1. Me: Madie, is it tuesday?
Madie: What, wednesday?
Me: No, I think it's tuesday.

Now, I know what it's like to lose your mind. Like I didn't before. Now I know in a different way. There ya go.

2. Got Madie " Wherever you are, my love will find you". Nancy Tillman books are $5 at kohls. Bargain on awesome books!

3. Last week at work was very trying. Fro got the whole story, but basically my boss is a tool. Job Search 2011 commence! She basically told me, me being depressed was going to push her over the edge. My friend Liz put it best when she said, "since when is perkiness a job requirement? you don't work at the gap!". I also found something on facebook this week which seemed appropriate, "i am who i am, your approval isn't needed".

4. Tonight in kohls, madie and I walked through the bra/underwear to get somewhere else, and she laughed hysterically through the entire department which made me laugh hysterically. All together good fun.

5. Going to dinner with the girls i graduated nursing school with tomorrow night. That should be fun.

6. I skipped yoga tonight, but I went last week, and I thoroughly enjoy it. I find it very relaxing and spiritual and not at all like exercise.

7. I"m reading "the story of beautiful girl". i just started it, and it's already very good.

8. Brandon's brother and his girlfriend and their kids came up last friday. We went to dinner with his mother minus brandon, because he had to work, which was okay. His mom isn't my favorite, but it went fine. Then Anthony (bro) and fam stayed the night. The kids had fun, and Brandon got to see his bro when he got off work. That worked out well. His bro is okay.

9. I told madie in the car earlier tonight her dad would flip is lid if she had a boyfriend, and she just repeated me verbatim. It's funny when a 4 year old says "flip his lid". Coincidentally, it's also funny when my gramma bales says it. She said it about my aunt sharon once.

10. Gramma Lehman doing better. She's in rehab at mercy trying to get stronger.

Bonus #11. I LOVE the cold front! It finally feels like fall! My favorite! too many explanation points? Probably, but I am really pumped!

update

Gramma Lehman is doing better. They moved her to the rehab unit at mercy.

We went to Brandon's dads house yesterday. I don't think we've seen him in forever, a year for real maybe last thanksgiving! His dad is the only family member of his i truly like. He's always been nice to me. He lives in Hammond though, which is like 2 hours away in western oklahoma. It was a good day, except I got too hot and got sick on the way home. boo. We had to pull over twice so I could puke. not pleasant, but otherwise a good visit.

Today, I woke up late, ran by target and checked in on Gramma and Grampa Bales. They are okay. Grampa continues to decline with the parkinsons. It is hard for him to get words out, and he gets frustrated. He also has dementia with lewy bodies. He sees things. He says mostly little kids. It used to scare him, but now he just tells them to get out of his way. It's hard to see your grampa go from superman to human.

Tomorrow, it's back to the grind. Wouldn't it be great to be independently wealthy and just be able to volunteer for charity? Ah, the dream!

Memorial Wall for Reserve Deputy Tim Lowry-PoliceMemorialWall.com

Memorial Wall for Reserve Deputy Tim Lowry-PoliceMemorialWall.com

October is my favorite month, but oct 1 this year was a real bummer. We had a family friend from down at the farm die in a tragic car accident. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/note.php?note_id=10150402698820407 Tim Lowry was a sheriffs deputy for Pottawatomie county. He was on his way back from issuing warrants with his partner when they topped a hill and a semi was making an illegal turn. They collided, and that was it.

Gramma continues to have episodes where she cannot get her words out. The tests come back normal. They are unsure if it's tia's, seizures, or medication side effects......they are guessing and doing their best at treating. So far, the guessing game isn't going great. I do think the dr she has is a good dr, and is really trying. It's just a tough situation.

Sorry for the debbie downer. Just wanted to keep you updated.

Grandparents

My grandparents are the most amazing people in the world. My parents had a period of criminal insanity. If it weren't for my grandparents, I would be more insane than I am. They are the first people who loved me unconditionally. I didn't get that from my parents. My parents aren't bad people, but there was a time when it didn't go well between us, and my grandparents loved me. I spent summers with them as a child, and there was nowhere I would rather be. My parents went on vacation one time and gave me a choice to stay with g&g or go with them, and I stayed with g&g. They are my safe place, and they live in the hood. I do visualization of my room at gramma lehman's when I'm anxious, to relax. It has been very hard to lose Grampa Lehman and watch Grampa Bales decline. Grampa Bales has parkinsons that is really affecting his mind. I'm obviously his favorite, and he forgot my name one day when I went to visit him. That was pretty tough. Gramma Lehman has been in descent health until hit by a truck. It is just scary and hard to grow up and lose the people that have always loved me.

Gramma Lehman

Last week,92 year old Gramma was at sams preparing for a family party (that actually got cancelled because of the course of events). She took her buggy and was heading to the car when she was hit by a truck. We don't know if she walked out in front of it or if he wasn't paying attention. She went to the ER by ambulance, and we were called. She had some bleeding on the brain which they watched for 24 hours. It leveled off, and they released her. Aunt Rita stayed the night with her for several nights. 2 nights ago Uncle Donnie went to check on her. She seemed fine. Then, she was paying bills and said something's wrong. Her hand felt numb. Then she couldn't get words out. She went to the hospital by ambulance again, and there was new bleeding on the brain. This morning, she has her speech back, and we are waiting excessively long for someone to read an mri to see if she had as tia or cva (mini-stroke or stroke). They are taking so dang long, because it won't change the course of treatment. They can't put her on blood thinners to prevent strokes, because it could increase the bleeding on the brain. They moved her from ICU to intermediate care today. We are watching and waiting...
Prayers appreciated.

Incontinence!

well, mom has been having a lot of health issues with fatigue and leg cramps. Her old doctor seemed to be inadequate, so she tried a new chick. This lady seems to be on spot. Mom had been giving herself b12 injections with a small needle, only making it in the fat. The old doctor was apparently a tard. The new doctor gave her 1.5 inch needles, and mom couldn't psych herself up enough to give it. So, today I ran by on my lunch break to give her this injection. She was so freaked out and anxious, she was slightly hysterical, like that hysterical laughter type of hysterical. It rubbed off on me, and by the time I was trying to give her the shot, I had to cross my legs and concentrate. My attempt at not peeing my pants failed miserably, as did moms. We totally both peed our pants laughing! It WAS hysterical! Oh my gosh. My aunt Sharon was there to witness but somehow had control of her bladder. We went for a quick lunch at el chicos, and then I ran home to change clothes before my next visit. On a side note, where do i get me some of those quick drying pants???

Ten on Tuesday...sort of

1. Well, technically it is wed morning, but everyone else did a ten on tuesday, so I felt the need to join in!

2. Loved all the pics of Zane in Aud's post!

3. Just finished the book "The next thing on my list" or something like that, it was cute. A girl had a list to complete kind of like our goals list fro, but don't read it right now. There's for something in it, that is too close to home right now. The new one I started looks promising.

4. Praying for you all.

5. We have 3 computers. Brandon is a nerd. This particular one, I always hit the little mouse pad and move my cursor somewhere random. It ticks me off!

6. I am going to die in a few hours when I have to go to work. I was so tired tonight, I went to bed at 8pm. I see now the fault in that, because I woke up around 2am.

7. It is raining again! Praise God! We need it so bad. The poor farmers are drying up.
http://youtu.be/xWYRfsjBNQk

8. I had to use blogger for dummies to add that link.

9. Well, at my last ENT appointment, the doc took a biopsy of my nose. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He injected me with lidocaine, which burned quite alarmingly, but I lived. Then, he biopsied me, and I should know results by thurs which will lead to either surgery if everything is fine, or something else if not...not thrilled about the idea of surgery, but I don't want to have a nose like michael jackson either.

10. Brandon got a new car last week. It's a 2012 mustang. It's a standard, so I am learning to drive it, which is fun! It's slow going. We are on lesson 1, stop to go without killing it. I am doing pretty well for a beginner, I think. My dad never taught me. He said teaching me how to drive an automatic was traumatizing enough for him.

Use whatever you need to bring sunshine to your day today. For you girls, I am sure it is your children. Madie brings a lot of sunshine into my life, but also Paco is my love. This little mutt and that little girl always make my heart smile.

a few random things

I slept all day yesterday. Pretty much literally. I enjoyed it thoroughly and didn't feel like I was wasting the day at all. I just felt like it was much needed. I was slightly more awake today but not anymore productive. I did find a cute "wristlet" which is a clutch with a wrist strap basically. It was cute and helped me downsize my purse considerably. It seems the bigger my purse is, the more crap I feel I need to carry with me unnecessarily.

Friday was a fun night. My friend Liz's friend Matt is a filmmaker. He is trying to raise money for a documentary about Native American artists with a purpose. Basically, it is about art to raise money within their community for health, homes, etc... the big epidemic within the Native American community is diabetes, which I am familiar with through my career. These artists use proceeds to fund anything positive in the community. It seems like it will be a great doc. So, friday was a fundraiser. I got to see my friend Danielle and her wife Cole and their 5month old Bex who is freakin adorable. Also saw a few more friends I hadn't seen in a while which was cool. Otherwise, I would have been at home on the couch, so I felt it was a great Friday.




Later this evening I am going to watch lifechurch on the internet, because I overslept (somehow) today and missed mass. I like lifechurch. It's not mass, but there's really no way to have mass online. It just wouldn't work. This is more like a bible study almost for me, but I enjoy it. It is definitely convenient when I miss mass. I still get that spiritual fulfillment.

We haven't had Madie all week, because we had her all week last week. We get her back Tuesday. She always keeps me awake and moving to say the least. She's a good kid and really for all the chaos in her life handles it really well, a well adjusted 4 year old, if you ask me.

Another, different Liz and I were supposed to get together Saturday, but she didn't feel well. So, we rescheduled for next weekend. Looks like we're heading to whitewater with the kids. At the beginning of the summer, I was all about laying out at our pool every weekend getting my tan on, but I'm so over it with this heat. I do think whitewater will be fun though.

Today, I have watched a lot of phineas and ferb, read, and found my wristlet on sale for $6 with a 20% off coupon, so basically that ruled. What a find!

I posted earlier, and I really liked the quote I found. I love you all and am praying for you especially hard today.

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.
Marcus Tullius Cicero

Thinking of all of you today. much love

Vaca update

Well, Vacation had ups and downs.

We left on wednesday night to go stay a few days with Brandon's sister Linita before going to Galveston. The first night we were there, Linita approached me and said, "don't tell brandon, but he's really freaked out about getting married". Okay, now my nerves are shot. I feel like vomiting. I do. I take a xanax. I vomit. I finally get Brandon alone, and he says this never happened and isn't true. Who do I believe? What do I do? Basically, freak out. Eventually, Brandon continued to act normal so I believed him when he said his sister will make stuff up to talk trash and make me feel uncomfortable. Mission accomplished. I will not be visiting her again.
Things got better when my nerves settled down, and Brandon and I are fine. I learned the lesson that his sister/family cannot be trusted, and I will not be close with them.

The following day, we lounged around the house, because we stayed up so late.

Friday, we went to the lake and Madie had a blast with her cousin Axton (boy). It was a good day. The heat drained us all, but it was fun.

Saturday, we left for Gainesville. We took Madie to the ocean for the first time. She loved jumping in the waves. Bought some souvenirs, ate some seafood, and chilled at the hotel. I love staying in hotels. I love the bedding, turning the a/c down way low and just relaxing, so I enjoyed that...UNTIL

I got a call from the bride to be whose wedding we went to Gainesville for. Backstory: Britini is my friend. Her fiance Shane is Brandon's cousin. Shane talks crap on me regularly. I have seen the texts. Brandon defends me, but I do not like Shane. Shane is a liar. He will do anything to make himself look good. He has a history of cheating. He is a grade A loser.
Britini called in tears saying Shane had walked out and was nowhere to be found. They had dinner with Britini's family and Shane went out to smoke 4 times before the food came. It bothered Britini because her family felt awkward. Britini tried to communicate this to Shane, and Shane flipped his lid yelling at her infront of her entire family in a public restaurant and ending their relationship and calling off the wedding. So, there was no wedding.

Lesson learned: Brandon's family = drama.

I love him very much, but his dad is really the only family member of his i like as well. awwwwwwwwkward....

Britini's family made her go on the cruise that was supposed to be her honeymoon. (the family was all going as well) They didn't want her going home alone. Brandon has spoken with Shane, and he is still in the home Britini owns that they lived in together. He told Brandon when Britini came back, he would tell her he wanted to rent the guest room. Are you really that big of a jerk/moron? No. I think he is going to try and manipulate her and get back with her. It is a negative situation I do not support. I have already distanced myself from Britini significantly because of how Shane is, and she is always with him. It has hurt our friendship, admittedly, I have let it hurt our friendship. Brandon says I shouldn't let Shane affect Brit and I, but it is hard because I genuinely think he is a pig and she genuinely loves him....

Photos from vaca...more detailed post of vaca to come...

Brandon trying to put his shoes on without getting his feet wet lol
brandon campbell hearts jessica lehman
Madie and me
madie and daddy
hey, the sun's in my eyes!
I think this is quite precious. Madie's first trip to the ocean.


The ocean in Galveston
Daddy and Madie getting ready for some seafood
I wish I knew how to rotate this.

vaca

We are in texas (i know audra) on vaca. I will post a detailed account soon. Abbey i loved maggies post but had technical difficulties commenting. My faves were january and april.

Update

well, Justin's funeral was really nice. They played his favorite songs including tuesdays gone and simple man by lynrd skynrd which made it special during a slide show of him. Jaysen, my high school boyfriend, spoke and when he broke down, so did i. It was rough, but very fitting of Justin.

I'm on call this weekend which is lame but hasn't sucked so bad. I thought it was going to be much worse. That's positive.

Not much else has been going on. I'm starving and waiting on pizza.

I was glad to read your update from vacation to the whales

good news bad news

I went to ent today. My nose is not going to collapse, another appointment in 3 weeks.

In bad news, I lost a friend from high school today. He died in his sleep. He was my age, healthy and happy. Prayers for him and his family.

thansk

some for sunday

1. I should def be asleep.

2. I have an appt with the ear nose throat guy in the am because, oddly, there is a hole in my nasal septum. Find out more tomorrow. I have always liked my nose, so i hope this won't cause it any harm.

3. Had a good weekend. Chilled friday. Ran around with liz saturday, had frozen yogurt and went to bookstores. Very nice then watched a movie with brandon.

4. Still haven't seen the new harry potter which i am excited for.

5. My head is hurting. Boo. Prob a sign I need to sleep.

6. I miss you all very much. Very much.

ewww

I was peacefully sleeping when brandon came home from work and was rummaging through the closet. " I'm looking for a house for madies new mumble mumble pet", he said. This ripped me from my sweet slumber into a panic over what he could have possibly found and decided he could house in our apartent. Turns out, it's a creepy, crawly tree frog. I do not do creepy, crawly, slimy of any kind. Barf. I said if it gets loose, I'm calling animal control. He said they will set it free tomorrow. Well, thank God for that!

ten on tuesday, ya whatever

1. we hit a milestone with madie this week. she stuck a bead in her ear, and i mean stuck. after a traumatizing trip to the er she had to be put under, and it was finally removed. she is now fine, and hopefully a lesson was learned by all.

2. i am sad i missed audi's trip home and all the family time, but i didn't want to infect anyone with my illness. boo.

3. i did some deep cleaning last night, and i'm feeling quite good about the condition of my house. i had a migraine and slept all day, so it was good entertainment for staying up all night.

4. not exactly looking forward to the work week tomorrow. good news, off next monday for memorial day. woot woot

5. i want one of those tempur pedic beds that move around like hospital beds. i like those. too bad they're hella expensive.

6. i cannot get brandon to put his socks in a laundry basket to save my life. i swear. i find them all over the house including 1 cm away from a basket. seriously? what is up with that?

7. i'm reading a really good book right now called the forgotten garden by kate morton. just finished vixen by jillian something or another and have several more lined up including lies chelsea handler told me.

8. we watched gnomeo and juliet, super cute. elton john music. loved it. the pink flamingo was my favorite.

9. i got a leg cramp yesterday, the kind where your toes contract, and you can't get it to stop, beefing up on the potassium.

10. have a good week everyone!

debbie downer

i hope this isn't too much with the last post and this one, but i need prayers for my grampa bales. he has parkinsons and is deteriorating much quicker than i thought he would. he didn't remember my name today, and obviously, i am his favorite "kid". he calls all of us his kids, but i have won the title of favorite, and he didn't remember my name. i love him so much, it's hard to watch him deteriorate.

i found this

St Gemma -The Patron Saint

my worthless back

i had another steroid injection in my back today. it began hurting again about 3 weeks ago. the second discectomy was exactly a year ago tomorrow. epic failure. i don't instill much faith in the steroid injection just because my back is so complicated at this point, but they want to start back at the beginning. aces. i am slightly bitter that a lame-o drunk driver ruined my back, and i'm 28. seriously? i'm working on forgiveness as always.

Ten

I missed ten on tuesday and don't have anything catchy for a name. i'm going to blame my lack of cleverness on being so bloody tired. yes, that will do.

1. i am bloody tired. i contribute it to pain medicine at this point. i get a steroid injection in my back thursday. pray it helps long term, because that would be great. until then, i have pain pills for when i'm home and able to get retarded and they do get you retarded. frankly, it's probably not responsible to be blogging right now.

2. i love facebook. i found a bunch of old classmates from maud on there including tombo. let me tell you about the tombos! God bless this litlle family. their real name was the burnetts and they had a son in my grade named thomas who went by tombo. we tended to refer to the entire family as the tombos. they were very poor to the point that bless their heart he was the smelly kid because they didn't have running water. it was maud, stay with me. anyways, i always wondered what happened to him because dad told me they moved off the tombo hill and the whitefields live there now. i wanted good things for tombo because he was in such a negative situation he didn't even have a chance, and i have wondered did he getout, did he get a job etc...so i found him on facebook and added him and sent him a message and i am anxiously awaiting a reply!!!

3. sorry if that was the longest run on sentence ever. i'm not complying with the rules of grammar tonight.

4. brandon and i were going to have date night last night when he got off work which usually involves us flying to the late movie, but there weren't any good ones playing so, we just stayed up all night instead. we talked, laughed, played jeopardy and didn't do half bad. it was a stay at home date night, but it was fun.

5. well, i'm just gonna do 5 tonight, because i feel somewhat retarded from this pain med. it requires i go lay very still. holla

things that make me feel old

so lately several things have made me feel quite "old".

mostly, i think it's the fact that i work with an 18 year old office assistant (who i love and is quite cute and funny) who doesn't know anything from the 80s exists and much of the early 90s as well. we educate her on a daily basis with a lot of assistance from youtube and it always results in hilarity.

i use eyecream for fine lines and dark circles. effective but also contributes to the feeling of oldness.

i am the person who calls in the neighbors for thumping their music and no longer the neighbor thumping said music.

my age is 28. i'm ten years older than the 18 year old at work. i'm closer to 30 than i've ever been.

i have aches and pains i didn't used to. my right knee has been achey lately and never has been before. my right toe aches sometimes which makes me wonder if i have gout, and then i think oh really, gout you're 28 not 68, but i'm also somewhat of a self diagnoser, but i digress.

i prefer older music to the the most recent releases. i like the 90s music over the music of today, the music of my youth.

i am not very social, and i am totally okay with it. when i was younger, i wanted to be doing something constantly. now, i am more content with a book, the t.v., my dog etc...

i'm tired a lot. more than i'm not. i don't remember being this tired at 18. when i was a freshman in college, i could stay up til 4am then get up at 9 and go to class. i would drop dead with less than 8 hours of sleep at this point in my life (which also leads me to believe having an infant would be less than desirable, but again, i digress).

i have some fond memories of my younger days that i reminisce on, books i read, time with my grandparents, time on the farm growing up etc...but i am reminiscing, that's the main point. old people reminisce.

there are more i'm sure. i've just been little things here and there a lot lately. it doesn't really bother me as i look foward to being super old like 80 and crabby, kicking it in the nursing home doing whatever i want and getting away with it because i'm old like granny eddings did. just something i've picked up on frequently.

TEN ON TUESDAY!

1. my back is bloody killing me. i called the pain management dr today, because this is very odd. i haven't had hardly any pain since the 2nd surgery, and it makes me quite nervous. he's supposed to be getting back to me. until then, i'm doping up and going to bed early tonight. don't judge me.

2. i had a dr tell me a patient was "doped up to her eyelids" the other day. it took all the physical restraint i had not to laugh.

3. i get insurance friday! praise Jesus! i can actually go to the dr if need be.

4. so, i had to take sonic (16 pound cat) to the vet for his shots yesterday and paco (12 pound dog) came along for the ride. what an exciting trip it was! sonic got some topical stuff to the back of his neck and freaked the flip out. he started jumping 4 feet in the air and twisting mid air, growling, then rolling over and playing dead. i thought he might die and i wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, but...the vet said he just didn't like the way it felt on his skin. since he was freaking out, i took him off the leash and put him in a cardboard pet taxi via the vet. i thought we were cool until on the way home, it started hopping across the seat at me! there were holes so he could breathe, and he started punching his paws out of it! and i started screaming and laughing and then he started biting his way out! omg, i nearly peed myself.

5. i'm doing my best with madie. i live in fear that it's not good enough. she wears me out quite frequently, and i have to take breaks and make sure i'm not being my parents. it really is a struggle for me as i had come to terms with never having children for fear of ruining them. i haven't come to terms with the fact that i do now have a child. i'm constantly trying. i'm constantly learning. i'm constantly childproofing, putting things back where i want them and trying to be less anal retentive about things. i like things where they go. i like them to be where i left them. i am trying very hard to let that not rule me and let madie be a kid. it is not easy. i am trying so hard not to screw this kid up. there are so many people in her life, i feel it is inevitable that someone will screw up, but i'm trying hard for it not to be me. i don't know if i want to have one of my own. i go back and forth thinking it will be easier if i raise them from birth and it would be harder as well. i live in fear of losing it and screaming irrationally or becoming depressed and catatonic. i basically live in fear of screwing them up, putting them in therapy for years, and having them work so hard to be normal, because obviously, i know how hard that is. things are going well with brandon.

6. i am still quite happy with my new job. i do wish i was independently wealthy and didn't have to work and could just sit at home, watch my stories and eat bon bons, and i'm not ashamed of that.

7. dad has been going to the dr quite a bit as of late. he is having some chest and stomach discomfort. he has had several tests run, but no conclusive results yet. i gave him some serious nursing education today, but he is stubborn dope sometimes, and i don't think it got through. i then called mom and jennifer who are both in close proximity and thoroughly educated them as well.

8. i think "dope" is the word of the day for this post. i miss peewee herman. what happened to good, quality kid shows? the crap on disney and nickelodeon these days is not quality. madie and i watch the old shows like fraggle rock, smurfs, and whatever else i can find on cartoon network. we do like phineas and ferb though.

9. my job is having a prom saturday. true life, i'm 28 and going to the prom. get pumped up people. i got a cocktail dress and i'm not gonna lie, i'm a little excited. i'll let you know how it goes.

10. i am currently reading the distant hours by kate morton. excellent. i also have several backed up for when i'm done. brings me joy.

where have you been

Well I have obviously been absent from the bloggers realm for a while and this one may be cut short because I am at work. Scandalous I know but I'm bored. I am not using punctuation because I am using my phone so forgive me. Let's talk about work since that's where I am. It is going well. It is much less stressful and busy than the old home health. Who knew it could be so much better? It is. It can be a little slow some days like today but that is better than the alternative. All my coworkers are cool. no "cleonas" here who was the hag at the old job. I like it. My boss is very nice also. The people here seem more genuine which may be because it is a smaller non corporate organization.
I did hit my back on the corner of a door while I was filing something and I think I punctured my kidney which is quite painful. I'm hoping its just bruised and I'm not bleeding internally. Time will tell. My insurance doesn't kick in until april so no xrays are going to occur. If I start hemmorhaging or exsanguinating ill go to the er.
Anyhow, I obviously also moved during my hiatus from blogging. The new apt is super nice and bigger. The neighbors were playing their music at all hours which was detrimental to my rage but I think I called them in enough that it has finally died down. Yes I am that person. I'm okay with it.
I have come to the conclusion that I'm old for a few reasons one being I call in the loud neighbors and am no longer the loud one and I have been using eye cream for dark circles and fine lines which is obviously something old people do.
I have also got engaged. We are leaning towards the date of oct 22 but nothing is set in stone and I haven't done any investigating on planning a possible destination wedding so obviously I haven't gotten very far.
being thrown into parenting a 3 year old has been an interesting task. Its going fairly well I think. It takes a lot of patience. Probably more than I have. I still worry about being a horrible parent and try to be very conscious not to be my parents. Its not easy. I didn't think it would be I just never expected to be in this situation.
Well I have some work to do quickly. Ill probably be back in a minute with some more thoughts.